I have been hit hard... or fallen hard. However you want to phrase it, it hurts.
I don't think I was ever that women who "didn't want children". It never occurred to me that a grown women would not factor children into her some day life. I also never considered my self the person who would let God grant her with as many little ones as he saw fit. I never saw my self in a ever expanding family (even though I know that's not necessarily what God could be granting you with!).
When I was dating my husband we discussed children many times before we got engaged. We both loved the idea of 3 children. His mother had him young while mine was 30 (not that constitutes as "old"). We agreed at sometime in our relationship that 30 sounded like good time to start trying. I felt so grown up that we had a plan and that it included "us time" and reasonable time frame for building a family.
A few month ago I was on another baby kick. Not as intense or as long as this one but pretty substantial to the point where I sat him down and we rediscussed our time frame and budget. We knocked the "starting date" back two years to 28. I felt like this was a major accomplishment. I was comfortable with this date and I felt like it got me a better head start on what I reconsidered to be a good time frame.
Flash forward to the last month plus or so. I have been in raging baby fever. We took a car trip around to a few places one night for his job and I went for the sole purpose to discuss babies (hard to get way from a conversation in a car). He handles this so well and indulges me with comments like "I thought you already picked out a name" when I bring up names. He makes comments like "Girl P will so be a soccer player... or basketball player. She's going to give us trouble I know it" It make my heart hurt and swell at the same time knowing that he has these thoughts but doesn't have the "get up and go" attitude of conceiving that I do. He handles my fever very well and even uses it for a few jokes now and then but its so frustrating that he doesn't feel the urgency that I do.
My friends with children, bless their hearts, have had to calm me down on more then a few occasions. Through their own struggles they have had to put up with my minor (and I'll say completely irrational fears) but they have done it with grace and a smile. For this I am thankful! They seem to know when to let me indulge with little girl out fits and when to set me straight with "no baby vacation" plans.
I just want to figure out a "cure" for this fever. Do you buy an outfit and put it in a hope chest? Do you collect fabric for the ultimate baby quilt? Do you plan a fabulous vacation with drinking and non-baby appropriate activities to "take your mind off of things" Or... do you just struggle through this part in your life like a cold in winter and wait for spring to bring new life? Well... ok that was a little more poetic then I intended and also a lot more complaining then I feel is ok to post, but alas it seems like the only thing that has worked in getting me over my fever in the past is excessive longing. Its like the old days where they thought bleeding you would "starve" the sickness out of ya... hehe. Maybe if I let the baby fever fun wild it will run away.
P.S. Can I also say this post comes with guilt seeing how I know who reads it and you ladies already know my problems and this post was intended to save you from another e-mail and discussion! Sorry! Thanks again though!