Tuesday, September 13, 2011


 So I am here, but I am lost.

There a few things I still can not find in the new house, they are lost. However, I am sure if I finished un packing boxes and put things away these mystical items would become found again. But where to find the motivation? It too, has escaped me. Probably hiding in a box, or under a box, or in the pile of clothes all over the house. I do have good intentions. I just need to get my Internet and sewing out of the way. Yesterday it was gardening. oops.

Sadly I too feel lost. I haven't felt this way for some time. When I was teaching 3 years ago many nights would I come home and cry or wonder why teaching wasn't easy and wonder why it didn't work out like I thought it would. I didn't even make it through the year before we got transferred. With relocation 1 I spent two years in retail. I kept explaining it away with "Its just temporary" even though 2 years doesn't' really scream "short term" when I have only had 3 years of full time work.
Relocation 2 brought on countless job applications and landed me at the same retail job in the new town. I have worked a mere handful of shifts and I am lost. Their store is so completely different then where I came from. I realize the people I left were not originally people I knew but I had to walk away from friends.  Theses were people that I know so much about and people that I had come to look forward to seeing (even if for only a small small moment). But I KNEW them. I didn't need someone to explain who the two cashiers were, or who my boss was for the shift and then point them out. I am lost in this new store and I am expected to be a large working part of it.

But that is just part of my insanity. I spent 5 years in school so that I could return to the classroom. But now, working on year 4 of full time work I am on year 3 of retail. This wouldn't be so bad if I liked business or was still in school (like most of my counter parts) but I'm not. I am full time lower management retail. And I hate it. I have no idea why my path has taken this route. I have no idea how to get back into the classroom. I look back and think about all the crying, doubt, and grading and I know I would take that in a heart beat over "do you have any coupons or need a gift receipt?" My life is easy right now. I have to leave my work at work. I don't bring anything home. My time here is completely for me and family. But I feel lost. I don't think this is where I am suppose to be. I hope retail is not where I am suppose to be!

So I am lost. Lost in my house, lost at work, and lost in life right now. I am not "unhappy" just confused on what to do next.

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